Enjoy this piece I love… wrote about a special friend that I didn’t want to lose... 2008. Rewind in motion. Peace. (I know it is long... but trust me it’s worth the read)
A commitment of friendship. Golden days built on sunshine smiles and hope for change leads me searching for confirmation. I see beauty in the seconds we spend together and the hours I long for u. this separation created by my imagination yet fueled by the miles between us, leaving me questioning.
I yearn for a commitment of friendship. I see humanity in your eyes and hunger in your hopes; I taste loneliness in your kisses. It’s something about this... I can't put my finger to it. The world I have created for u, u don't live in. I find myself taking rockets to planets far away... streaming. Only to realize it is only me on the moon searching for growth. And you are flying Saturn's around me.
Quiet times of silent cries and lost breathes leaves my mind puzzled with agony. Wondering why your actions get to me. But I still come back. Having no choice but to have faith in u, because I trust myself, the self I see in your soul that provokes me. Engulfs me, intrigues me.
Wondering if the facade I create will disappear as these days do... and my departure comes to. And I find myself... hearing commitment of friendship. Asking for such would be demanding loyalty to a stranger... or my bank information to Uncle Lenny with the habit... and yet I type each word... expecting insanity.
It's like the conversations ended when the hugs began, and those paused with the music beats from your heart. And ****, who am I to push that **** to the back or the side or the front, who am I to refuse the art, and masturbate to ideals of words being reality's confirmation of balance.
Turning time backwards to build on what should have been now would only seem troublesome. And yet I seek the solidification of all my confusion. Pondering on how future visits will be labeled and connections defined, I want to seal the moment of interest with friendship. Kiss away the emotions of… it was good then but maybe it's not good now, or I am sorry I over stepped my place only to find me enjoying your touch…and that sorry only meant what??
And I laugh to myself and such demands I wish to ask. I laugh because as I know the self I see in you... my initial point of thought would be wrapped around why and how... or what…now?. Why would u give such with out allowing you to really give all? I have noticed that the small amounts of sunlight that's shined from your windows are the same ruining your warm dark nights. Locking yourself in such solitude only provokes retreat. And yet I find strength in your push away. Limited strength.
And how... how can u lend your insides to someone destitute for separation, designed for the same solitary confinement you are, and find peace in the situation. I do. Find peace in u. that is. Or simply in the thought that the person I have wanted to know... I have come to. Whether that is what I wanted it to be, or should I say the whether it is the person I expected to meet, it is how I desired. Wanting intellectual connection through unsaid words, unwritten thoughts, simple hugs and goodbyes. The goodbyes that u are all too fond of hearing. And fail to say at separation.
And what of it all... why not just let things fade into existence and exist as is... or come as be... and melt with the sunshine coming up, and soften with the moons glaze. Why not just ignore all these mixed words and chopped emotions... and just live as you did before me. Or as u do now... with me... on the edge of question... failing to see or hear things I mention... like those speaking to me as I type this. My heart writes this. And I can't stop expressing this.
I feel like time cost more than gas now and days … and I find myself selling mine to only wish for yours. Or spending mine waiting on yours. Either or… your presence is lacking these past … beats… and who am I to question this almost there, once was there, will be there.. Kind of man. Feeling that what I have wished to invest doesn't measure to my capabilities, if only I were given some opportunity... which is why I seek a commitment of sun ship.
Some…unwritten, unspoken, invisible seal of connection that allows these barriers to halt for minutes. To fall for conversations... Crumble for hugs. True, deep, spiritual hugs. From day one I have been pulled away from u by the arms that hug me and any hopes of such optimism has been spoken false by the mind I admire in you... And yet my urge has been to revoke such insanity. And push for faith of knowing the person I am, is the real person I want you to see, not the images and stories, and long nights…that I have created.
But of course, time changes everything... Including rules and regulations of sun ships. So I just aim for confirmation that you will give the time needed in order to see the sun in me, that I have searched for in you... since day one. Circling back to my point of existence... Friendship. Such confusing Aquarius' characteristics leaves me stuck in the mirror writing this... re-reading each sentence with the pretense... knowing that it will never be sent... And u will not know my inner thoughts.
Just hellos, hugs, and good byes.
Just hugs, hello, and good byes.
Just hello, hi... I am leaving... good bye