today is my momma's born day. we have a bday 2 weeks apart! here is a letter i sent her for christmas 2008... another current post coming later today..
Dear mom,
I’m not home for the holidays this year. But I am in reflection. Of the change and transitions. Moving back home after college felt like a huge disappointment. You never knew the woman I became to be. I fault you for keeping the mold and never getting to know the real me. And so we argue, you yell and I blame everyone else. Seems like we work better apart. When u can only give me updates and never see my pain or not see me .but over the years I have seen you stress, smile and struggle, most of all for us. Your children. Never did I want that for me. the only daughter, last chance for change in our family since my brothers led astray. Moved away to a big city despite your holding on to me and every few months I wrote my goals:
Graduate college (did that: only in the family w my B.A)
Don’t get pregnant- (I have nieces and nephews to take a baby’s place)
Be better than I left.
Find me
Find peace
Freedom
Explore life
Find balance
Find stability
And in the back of my head to be better than you. In the back of my head to prove u wrong. to find my dreams not yours. but most of all be better than the struggles I seen you go through. And now faced with adversity, life: the reoccurrence of spirals, slants, car accidents, depression, confusion, panic attacks: when giving up seems easier than going on. And you have no idea how my day is...I think about you. And how I always wanted to be better....when now I aim to be you to make it through my struggles. To make it through. To be strong, determined, dedicated, hopeful and now is when I aim to be you. jus last week i told you i was going to get help and updated you on my situation your words be the strong woman I raised-keep lingering .And thank God I have someone to keep me hoping .
Merry Christmas 2008
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