Monday, February 22, 2010

Dear Momma (Christmas 2008)

today is my momma's born day. we have a bday 2 weeks apart! here is a letter i sent her for christmas 2008... another current post coming later today..

Dear mom,
I’m not home for the holidays this year. But I am in reflection. Of the change and transitions. Moving back home after college felt like a huge disappointment. You never knew the woman I became to be. I fault you for keeping the mold and never getting to know the real me. And so we argue, you yell and I blame everyone else. Seems like we work better apart. When u can only give me updates and never see my pain or not see me .but over the years I have seen you stress, smile and struggle, most of all for us. Your children. Never did I want that for me. the only daughter, last chance for change in our family since my brothers led astray. Moved away to a big city despite your holding on to me and every few months I wrote my goals:
Graduate college (did that: only in the family w my B.A)
Don’t get pregnant- (I have nieces and nephews to take a baby’s place)
Be better than I left.
Find me
Find peace
Explore life
Find balance
Find stability
And in the back of my head to be better than you. In the back of my head to prove u wrong. to find my dreams not yours. but most of all be better than the struggles I seen you go through. And now faced with adversity, life: the reoccurrence of spirals, slants, car accidents, depression, confusion, panic attacks: when giving up seems easier than going on. And you have no idea how my day is...I think about you. And how I always wanted to be better....when now I aim to be you to make it through my struggles. To make it through. To be strong, determined, dedicated, hopeful and now is when I aim to be you. jus last week i told you i was going to get help and updated you on my situation your words be the strong woman I raised-keep lingering .And thank God I have someone to keep me hoping .
Merry Christmas 2008

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