Sunday Morning

As you left,
so did the existence of eternal peace
resting inside of me.
Slowly unrest crept up
and attacked my nervous system.

I became agitated with the idea of not seeing you until...
I became frustrated with the concept of not kissing you until...
I became nervous from having to fall back in love with you
every time you touch your feet on this soil.
Over and over again,
It feels like every trip is starting over.
But it is also proof that every trip my love is running over.

What strange creation is this love thing.
Especially when it is molded from the physical being gold,
traded over miles and emotions,
a test when throwing in distance...
I always have to wait until.
Until when?
Until what?

A true testament of tomorrow is the existence of today.
The purest form of what endless should be starts with something.
There most be a tiny piece of hope involved for us to last.
I have too much certainty in my grasp.
I don’t doubt destiny.

Nothing is the same without you,
because everything is changing with you.
Meals are just empty feedings,
no longer nourishment to my soul,
but just food my belly.
Showers have become quick and emotionless.
I no longer feel your warmth cleansing me
but envision repeats of something I once denied.

My apartment is empty with out you.
Filled with furniture branded by our love.
Gifts, scents, candles, tiny left overs
scattered among my belongings
all remind me of moments with you.

And what of this until concept???
I guess I will be waiting and loving you until we figure it out.
Wishing I could bottle your touch,
you be my Jeannie,
and appear when the bottle is rubbed....

Until then...
I am here.
Loving you
from the inner most
precious part of my being.

SunShIP

Enjoy this piece I love… wrote about a special friend that I didn’t want to lose... 2008. Rewind in motion. Peace. (I know it is long... but trust me it’s worth the read)



Sun SHIP
4/2008
A commitment of friendship. Golden days built on sunshine smiles and hope for change leads me searching for confirmation. I see beauty in the seconds we spend together and the hours I long for u. this separation created by my imagination yet fueled by the miles between us, leaving me questioning.

I yearn for a commitment of friendship. I see humanity in your eyes and hunger in your hopes; I taste loneliness in your kisses. It’s something about this... I can't put my finger to it. The world I have created for u, u don't live in. I find myself taking rockets to planets far away... streaming. Only to realize it is only me on the moon searching for growth. And you are flying Saturn's around me.

Quiet times of silent cries and lost breathes leaves my mind puzzled with agony. Wondering why your actions get to me. But I still come back. Having no choice but to have faith in u, because I trust myself, the self I see in your soul that provokes me. Engulfs me, intrigues me.

Wondering if the facade I create will disappear as these days do... and my departure comes to. And I find myself... hearing commitment of friendship. Asking for such would be demanding loyalty to a stranger... or my bank information to Uncle Lenny with the habit... and yet I type each word... expecting insanity.

It's like the conversations ended when the hugs began, and those paused with the music beats from your heart. And ****, who am I to push that **** to the back or the side or the front, who am I to refuse the art, and masturbate to ideals of words being reality's confirmation of balance.

Turning time backwards to build on what should have been now would only seem troublesome. And yet I seek the solidification of all my confusion. Pondering on how future visits will be labeled and connections defined, I want to seal the moment of interest with friendship. Kiss away the emotions of… it was good then but maybe it's not good now, or I am sorry I over stepped my place only to find me enjoying your touch…and that sorry only meant what??

And I laugh to myself and such demands I wish to ask. I laugh because as I know the self I see in you... my initial point of thought would be wrapped around why and how... or what…now?. Why would u give such with out allowing you to really give all? I have noticed that the small amounts of sunlight that's shined from your windows are the same ruining your warm dark nights. Locking yourself in such solitude only provokes retreat. And yet I find strength in your push away. Limited strength.

And how... how can u lend your insides to someone destitute for separation, designed for the same solitary confinement you are, and find peace in the situation. I do. Find peace in u. that is. Or simply in the thought that the person I have wanted to know... I have come to. Whether that is what I wanted it to be, or should I say the whether it is the person I expected to meet, it is how I desired. Wanting intellectual connection through unsaid words, unwritten thoughts, simple hugs and goodbyes. The goodbyes that u are all too fond of hearing. And fail to say at separation.

And what of it all... why not just let things fade into existence and exist as is... or come as be... and melt with the sunshine coming up, and soften with the moons glaze. Why not just ignore all these mixed words and chopped emotions... and just live as you did before me. Or as u do now... with me... on the edge of question... failing to see or hear things I mention... like those speaking to me as I type this. My heart writes this. And I can't stop expressing this.

I feel like time cost more than gas now and days … and I find myself selling mine to only wish for yours. Or spending mine waiting on yours. Either or… your presence is lacking these past … beats… and who am I to question this almost there, once was there, will be there.. Kind of man. Feeling that what I have wished to invest doesn't measure to my capabilities, if only I were given some opportunity... which is why I seek a commitment of sun ship.

Some…unwritten, unspoken, invisible seal of connection that allows these barriers to halt for minutes. To fall for conversations... Crumble for hugs. True, deep, spiritual hugs. From day one I have been pulled away from u by the arms that hug me and any hopes of such optimism has been spoken false by the mind I admire in you... And yet my urge has been to revoke such insanity. And push for faith of knowing the person I am, is the real person I want you to see, not the images and stories, and long nights…that I have created.

But of course, time changes everything... Including rules and regulations of sun ships. So I just aim for confirmation that you will give the time needed in order to see the sun in me, that I have searched for in you... since day one. Circling back to my point of existence... Friendship. Such confusing Aquarius' characteristics leaves me stuck in the mirror writing this... re-reading each sentence with the pretense... knowing that it will never be sent... And u will not know my inner thoughts.

Just hellos, hugs, and good byes.
Just hugs, hello, and good byes.
Just hello, hi... I am leaving... good bye

He touched my soul. And I cant let go. Constantly comparing moments with time. Prejudging individuals off the mold in my mind. And yes, he did touch me that deep. Had my thought surrounding his existence . problems, expression, solutions, I was thinking. Pulled in by his silence. Yet kept by his conviction. And now left with him lost, yet still with this addiction. Seconds traveled through elevation, I mourn his lost in my life, but he is still living. Powerful being. Life taught lessons so bad, he wants it to stop teaching. Drop out on experience. Because it was him bleeding. Bending and feeling. And all I could do was love. Stuck ,paralyzed by how he’s been treated, unknown words for the completing, only knowing what he speaks is what he is living. And then silence. The void of pain, hijacking reality kept me silent, in thought. Without words. Just gestures. But with love. And he touched me. Just his endurance through life impressed me. Could have never spoke or connected, but imprints would have still pierced me. Took the child out of me and brought back the innocence. Had me smiling when I felt weak. at my peaks. Tender affection. Could feel the state and friction. Frightened by escape and trapped by affection. And finally finding someone who didn’t care, but actually mattered. Gentle impressions of stride that spent more than seconds covered me. He impressed me with his simplicity yet changed me. Scattered love through spectrums of dreams tilted by life’s default and inflexible mold. Guilt ridden by failed aspirations and family death written into existence. He tumbled. He fell. He stayed down, sucked into black. Crawling. ground… yet lived. And slowly he is rising. Yet living. He changed me. In ways my words can’t come to be. Comparing intellect, and ability. Powerless sometimes. But strong through all. Manifesto power horse. Raging machine, inside. Yet his outlet keeps catching fire. At the Wrong time. Regardless his sparks still burnt my soul.

Prophetic Language Spoken Part I (july 2008)

Prophetic language spoken pt I

Prophetic language spoken
From lips that lick my insides
Tongue soaked
From fulfilling cravings
Simple descriptions
Sexy saturations
Off elevation
Achieving the purest satisfaction
Reason worth living
Creating
Got my heart skipping
Beats

Panting
Vibrations
Chills through my body
Sends him on waves
Up and down
Up and down
Up and
Floating
On air
Squirming
Away from temptation
Yet towards completion
Towards him
Forward, and forward,
Yearning him

Heavy breathing
Body tingling
I can't help but close my eyes
Bottom lip biting
Back scratching desires
Waiting for reasons to miss u
Once gone,
Once awake
Once alone
Once done

Hungry
Starving
Seems like slow motion
Moving through me
As he moves through me
Body heat
Strong chemistry
Glow in his eyes
Glow within me
Time to make him miss me
Leave imprints so deep
Hard to split dreams from reality
Memories from fantasy
My time to shine, glide
My time to ride
Waves

from afar

i watched him sleep from afar
i feel the way his body slants in the bed
hear his breathing, slowly deepen
as he travels roads sleeping in god's thrown
smell his scent, caress each portion of my soul with my senses
melt each fear in my heart
without touch
i can visualize our bodies colliding
magically intertwining
minds exploring cavities, avenues, and roads
destined for greatness
smiling from your absence
miles away i can feel your energy
beside me inside me, around me
silence, trembles, heart bumping...
eyes closed, we sleep in the same bed
together
even from afar
he is next to me.